without god

Almost summertime!

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summer sunset

It was winter, several years ago, when I first realized I didn’t believe in god anymore.  I was writing a journal entry and found myself writing, “And since there’s no god…”

It really caught me off guard, that thought.  I didn’t know I had stopped believing, but I had.

I’m sure I’ll be posting in the future about my journey to un-belief, but right now I’m remembering the sense of surprised relief and joy I felt.  I had found clarity and peace in that moment, and my life began to make more sense.  Without god, I was alone, alone in a way I had never been before.  Alone often carries a negative weight, linked to loneliness, fear, restlessness or possibly boredom, but this alone was gentle and reassuring.  I relished the idea that no being was watching over me, reading my thoughts and scoping my emotions to ensure they are “right.”  I listened to the quiet winter night, soft noises and cold wind, and felt that aloneness on my bed in my tiny room.  I felt it in my belly, in my slowly relaxing throat that so often cramped with anxiety.

there is no god.

what a beautiful revelation!  what a wonderful feeling!

Reading others’ stories of coming to unbelief, I know this is not always the reaction.  Some are shocked, some feel the major loss of something that was meaningful and wonderful in their life.  Some lament the meaningless of life and the finality of death.  Some, like me, have so many confusing ideas about the world to unravel, and many new things to learn about living life non-religiously.  Some have lives established in religion, and panic about reactions of family or the potential loss of their career.  Any reaction is valid, since everyone has a different relationship with religion.

I just want to share my story, about how unbelief has helped me become a healthier, happier person.

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